Mating, Monogamy and Marriage

Mating, monogamy, and marriage have evolved from basic reproductive drives into complex social institutions. Early human mating mirrored animal strategies, but the rise of agriculture, religion, and government control transformed these bonds. This post traces this evolution, explores the consequences of modern dating trends, and argues for a return to a relationship model grounded in duty, sacrifice, and intimacy.

In the animal kingdom, mating strategies vary significantly between species. Species with high sexual dimorphism — where males and females differ significantly in size or appearance — often see a small percentage of dominant males monopolizing access to reproduction. In contrast, species with low sexual dimorphism, like many bird species, tend to form monogamous pair bonds, with both parents contributing to offspring care.

Humans fall somewhere in between, exhibiting moderate sexual dimorphism, where males are generally larger and stronger than females. Unlike species such as lions or elephant seals, where dominant males exclude others from reproduction, human reproductive strategies lean toward cooperative child-rearing due to the long developmental period required for human offspring to reach maturity. This favours a more flexible reproductive strategy, allowing humans to adapt to a variety of environmental and social conditions.

WHY MONOGAMY?

While monogamy may not produce the most genetically optimal offspring, it played a critical role in resolving social tension. As human populations grew with the advent of agriculture, unrestricted polygyny threatened social cohesion, as jealousy and envy became harder to control. This led to significantly higher rates of violent crimes, such as rape, kidnapping, murder, assault, robbery, and fraud. Promoting monogamy helped reduce jealousy and competition, leading to greater social stability, which likely had an evolutionary advantage, as cooperation within the group allowed for greater success in external conflicts with rival groups.

MARRIAGE 

Marriage emerged as a practical necessity rather than a romantic ideal. It likely began as an elite institution tied to wealth, power, and inheritance, taking shape as human social structures — including classes, government, trade, and wealth distribution — became more complex. Over time, religious influences transformed marriage into a broader social institution, extending its application to the general population. What was once a transactional, wealth-based arrangement evolved into a moral and spiritual duty, with intimacy and emotional dimensions becoming more prominent.

This religious and moral framework developed long before modern contraception. Before birth control, sex was inseparable from reproduction, and managing population growth was essential for community survival. This is likely why both males and females were forbidden through their doctrines to engage in such acts and promoting celibacy until marriage. Limited access to resources like food, water, and shelter made population control a matter of survival. Monogamy, combined with family-based child-rearing, helped regulate population growth and ensured resources were more effectively managed within smaller, self-sustaining family units rather than being strained across larger community networks.

THE ROLE OF WAR AND MORTALITY

War and mortality have played a significant role in shaping marriage systems. In many societies, high male mortality rates from warfare left behind widows and unmarried women. In these cases, polygyny often became a necessary solution (seen in Muslim cultures), as surviving males were encouraged to take on multiple wives to provide protection, resources, and social stability for widowed women and their children. However, only the wealthiest 10-20% of males had the resources to support multiple wives and treat them all equally and fairly in terms of support, affection, and treatment, as their doctrine prescribes. This dynamic further solidified the link between economic power and marriage structure.

GOVERNMENT EVOLVEMENT

As governments became more centralised, they began asserting control over marriage. The 1533 Act in Restraint of Appeals, followed by the creation of the Church of England, allowed the state to control marriage as both a religious and legal institution. By the 19th century, as nation-states grew stronger, governments took greater control over marriage, requiring civil registration to ensure legal recognition for purposes like inheritance, taxation, and social welfare, which aligned with the rise of individual rights and the separation of church and state.

ROMANCE

The shift toward romantic marriage took hold in the 17th and 18th centuries, prompted by changes in social, economic, and cultural life. The influence of the Enlightenment, along with the rise of individualism, placed more emphasis on personal freedom and happiness, which included the idea of choosing a life partner based on romantic love. By the 19th century, particularly with the influence of the Victorian era, marriage began to be seen as a partnership grounded in mutual affection, companionship, and emotional fulfilment, rather than as a transaction between families or individuals for economic or social benefit or separate from the spiritual connection that aligned in religious contexts.

TODAY

Romantic love and sex, fuelled by the rise of contraception, now dominate modern relationships, often suppressing intimacy — the deep trust, vulnerability, and connection that support long-term bonds. These relationships thrive on novelty and passion, qualities that inevitably fade over time. This has created instability, especially after children are born, as the stresses of parenting often strain emotional bonds built on romance over intimacy. Without a sense of duty to the family unit, couples are more likely to separate, leaving children to face emotional and psychological challenges.

Compounding this is the rise of child-free lifestyles, driven by the pursuit of career, freedom, and personal enjoyment, which has contributed to declining birth rates and aging populations. In this context, modern dating has come to mirror polygyny, but without commitment, with high-status males dominating access to partners — a pattern clearly seen on dating apps. This leaves many males excluded, which, among other factors, has been linked to an increase in violent crimes.

CONCLUSION

The shift from duty-based marriage and intimacy to romance-driven relationships has destabilised mating, monogamy, and marriage, transferring authority from moral frameworks to government oversight. What was once a system designed to ensure social stability, cooperative child-rearing, and communal well-being has transformed into a pursuit of personal happiness and self-fulfilment. This shift has led to higher divorce rates, fractured family units, and declining birth rates. Modern dating now emphasizes hypergamy — females seeking higher-status partners — over homogamy, where compatibility is prioritised, leaving many males excluded and increasing social conflict.

To restore stability in relationships and society, it is essential to reclaim a marriage model centred on duty, sacrifice, intimacy, and community. By emphasising commitment over fleeting passion, society can strengthen family bonds, promote the healthy development of children, and rebuild the foundational structures that have historically driven human flourishing. This requires both males and females to mature from this self-centred focus, projecting all their existential problems onto their partner to solve and create a new bond and culture that can outlast time.